Audition Monologues by The Monologue Project

ABLEIST PIG

You gotta be careful what you say these days. You never know when you might cause offense

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

ACCIDENTAL JOHN

John Smith goes to the dentist. Or does he?

COMEDY | MALE

ANTICIPATION

The anticipation of your Hibiki Harmony 30th anniversary limited edition whiskey might be better than the drink itself.

COMEDY/DRAMA | FEMALE

AS GOOD AS A HOLIDAY

It’s not OCD, I just like things in a specific way and deviations are like an itch inside my brain which gets worse and worse.

COMEDY/DRAMA | MALE/FEMALE

BABY FEET

Small feet, small… you know. That's what they keep saying to him, anyway.

COMEDY | MALE

BIG SCORE

How guilty would you feel if you sold 450 identical pairs of shoes to a suicide cult?

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

BILLY DOESN'T LIKE YOU

Breaking up your child's friendship because you really can't stand the kid's mother.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

BRIDEZILLA

A bride plans her perfect day. Everything is coming along, though one important thing is still missing.

COMEDY | FEMALE

CAFE FENG SHUI

When a guy starts coming to the café you love with his stupid leather jacket and his stupid thermos.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

CANCEROUS BREAKUP

Are you a monster if you broke up with your girlfriend because she got cancer? Yes, yes you are.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

CHOICE PARALYSIS

Every choice you make leaves an infinite number of unmade choices dying in the dust.

COMEDY/DRAMA | MALE/FEMALE

CLICK TO KILL

When your homophobic high school friend clicks his fingers and gets hit by a bus…

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

COURTESY SEAT

A pregnant lady, elderly person, disabled person and injured person all fight for the courtesy seat.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

CUT

Nothing's worse than when your scene ends up on the cutting room floor. Especially when you did… you know…

COMEDY | FEMALE

DECOY WIFE

If you're going to kidnap and ransom out the boss's wife, you'd better make sure she's the right person.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

DODGE THE BULLET

Would you fake a heart attack to cover a fart?

COMEDY | MALE

DON'T PAT MY DOG

Johnny gets jealous when his dog shows affection to a friend.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

DONUT TESTER

After failing a job interview, a fake donut tester gets serious about the artform.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

ENDZONED

Being friendzoned sucks. But being endzoned - that's something else indeed.

COMEDY/DRAMA | MALE/FEMALE

EVERYONE OWNS A TELEPORTER IN THE FUTURE

You arrive in present times from the future but your teleporter has run out of battery. Would anyone believe you?

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

EVERYTHING I EVER DID WAS FOR YOU

Your mum calls you and says "everything I ever did was for you", "I love you" and "goodbye". What's about to happen?

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

EX SEX DOLL

Imagine coming home to find your husband having sex with a blow up doll with his ex's face taped to it.

COMEDY | FEMALE

EXPOSURE THERAPY

If you face your fears a little bit at a time, you'll get used to them… until your fears start moving in front of you.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

FOR THE EXERCISE

The best and worst things about being a prostitute.

COMEDY/DRAMA | FEMALE

FORCED FAILS

Have you noticed how people always laugh when they hurt themselves in fail videos? Is this a new way to spread joy?

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

FUCK BITES

Kellogg's cornflakes were designed to suppress your sexual appetite. Where's the cereal that increases it?

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

GAY BY ELIMINATION

Just because you're dating another man, doesn't mean you're gay.

COMEDY | MALE

GENIUS

Am I a genius? I'd sound like a wanker if I said "yes", wouldn't I?

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

GETTING OUT OF THE WAR

You hate the invaders, but you're a coward. Can acting crazy get you out of the war you don't want to die in?

COMEDY/DRAMA | MALE/FEMALE

GUILTY, NOT GUILTY

Too guilty to sell that fancy watch you found for a profit? Maybe the next guy won't have the same reservations.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

HANGRY

Happiness makes you angry. Anger makes you sad. Sadness gives you perspective - you have a lot to be happy about.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

HEALTHY HABITS

A health freak with a dirty habit.

COMEDY/DRAMA | MALE/FEMALE

HIT MY KID

A neighbourhood kid kills a man's dog and comes around with his dad to admit his wrongdoing. Violence ensues.

COMEDY/DRAMA | MALE

HOW WAS YOUR MEAL?

A very honest response to a waiter asking "How was your meal?" Maybe a little too honest.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

I CAME HOME AND DISCOVERED MY BOYFRIEND HAS A MULLET

Would you do it? If you came home and your boyfriend had a mullet? Would YOU do it too?

COMEDY/DRAMA | MALE/FEMALE

I F**CKED HER BECAUSE I LOVE HER

Chad's imagination isn't all that great. What can he do to feel a bit more appreciation for his wife?

COMEDY | MALE

I LOST THE PASSKEY TO OUR MUM'S BRAIN

Your mum's brain is stored on a passkey-protected hard drive, but the cleaner just threw out the passkey.

COMEDY/DRAMA | MALE/FEMALE

IMPORTANT DECISIONS

A last meal. And it's ice cream. And it's for a dog.

COMEDY/DRAMA | MALE/FEMALE

IMPULSIVE PROBLEMS

When you impulsively kill your boss and dispose of most of his body, someone has to clean up the mess.

COMEDY/DRAMA | MALE/FEMALE

INBRED REVENGE

Damien tries to blow up a McDonald's by hitting the stove with a baseball bat.

COMEDY| MALE/FEMALE

IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S MY EX

When your accent reminds your date of her ex cheating on her

COMEDY | FEMALE

KEYBOARD WARRIOR

Making the world a better place, one dickhead at a time.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

KIDNAPPER'S CONUNDRUM

When you kill a murderer, what do you do with the witness?

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

LIZARD HUMOUR

Maybe you're not quite as witty as you thought you were.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

LOVE IN THE LAUNDROMAT

Is it easier to go talk to someone or just buy the laundromat you saw them in and wait for them to come back?

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

LOVING MANDY

You love Mandy. When's a good time to tell Mandy this? Why, Mandy's wedding, of course!

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

MAN VS PORN

Mark's monkey brain VS technology that gets twice as good every two years. Can he fix his broken spreadsheet?

COMEDY/DRAMA | MALE

MY DAD GOT
HIRED BY THE CIA

Why would the CIA hire the most technologically inept human being on the planet?

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

MY SPOT

What do you do when someone's in your spot at the gym?

COMEDY | MALE

NOT A HEAD OF A LETTUCE

Tokyo finds a human head in a delivery of fresh vegetables. Will customer service help?

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

OKAY COP, BETTER COP

An okay cop does the job. A good cop puts every single crim behind bars.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

PRO PROTEST

An accidental protestor finds an addictive new pursuit.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

PROCRASTINATION

Trying to write, succeeding in procrastination. Could it be they don't want to write the content?

COMEDY/DRAMA | MALE/FEMALE

PUTTING IT OFF

A man is about to commit suicide when he sees the new season of Game of Thrones has just dropped.

COMEDY | MALE

RANGER DANGER

A park ranger is fighting a man who's scattering his brother's ashes. Is it an injustice or a case of "live and let live"?

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

REACTION

A man accidentally kills someone in the street and threatens a witness.

COMEDY | MALE

REALLY JILTED

Julie never thought she'd get invited to this wedding. What other occasion could repair burnt bridges?

COMEDY | FEMALE

ROBOPLUMBER

If you build a robot plumber that's the exact same model as the robot gigolo, customers will definitely get their pipes fixed.

COMEDY | FEMALE

RUNNER'S HIGH

Runner’s high makes exercise easy. Effortless. Energising! Not everyone gets it though.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

RUSH HOUR IN EMERGENCY

Young Benny is in emergency suffering from a spinach allergy. But the nurses are distracted by an angry drunk.

COMEDY/DRAMA | MALE/FEMALE

RUSSIA #1 HACKER

Russia #1 hacker protect you from bad government.

COMEDY | MALE

SCHRODINGER'S MORON

Schrödinger's Moron: the moron you're looking at is always bigger than the other morons.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

SECRET GRANDMASTER

You played Tetris so much you accidentally become best in the world. Don't let anyone see you though!

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

SHAMPOO

The world is so much better when you have killer hair.

COMEDY/DRAMA | MALE

SMELLOLOGIST

What's a weirder career than making beer out of vaginal bacteria? A sex doll smellologist.

COMEDY | MALE

STOPPED LAYING

Chickens sometimes come up with unique calls they use around their owners. Stanley is given a name.

COMEDY/DRAMA | FEMALE

STUPID ROOSTERS

Roosters which haven't quite got it right.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

TAPPING OUT

A drummer playing at 10PM. Is tonight the night you'll slip a strongly-worded letter under his door?

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

THE GOLDEN RECORD

A teenage alient discovers the record Earth sent into space… and it's totally lame.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

THE LONG EDGE

But what exactly IS the "best paper to stock tray three of the level 8 printer"?

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

THE REAL LOSER OF THE CUSTODY BATTLE IS ALWAYS THE CHILD

You can divide the furniture in a divorce, but can you divide the child? Turns out, maybe you can.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

THIS LOVE EXISTS

Could you help me find somone who looks like the AI-generated woman I fell in love with?

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

THWARTED

A robber is almost thwarted by a little girl when she points her finger at him and says, "Bang bang you're dead."

COMEDY/DRAMA | MALE

TRASHED APARTMENT

Saving the world one tweet at a time.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

TWINS

When your mates ask you if you'd "do twins" in front of your girlfriend, what are you supposed to say?

COMEDY | MALE

UPSELLING

When there's not enough cash in the till at Starbucks, a robber teaches the barista sales skills.

COMEDY/DRAMA | MALE/FEMALE

URINAL FLY

You know those plastic flies in urinals? The ones you pee on so you don't miss? What if it was a real fly?

COMEDY | MALE

WORK OUT

An enthusiastic exercise instructor with a group who can't quite follow.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM

Two and a half hours in to that neverending Zoom meeting and you really need to pee. I mean really.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE