Audition Monologues by The Monologue Project

ABLEIST PIG

You gotta be careful what you say these days. You never know when you might cause offense

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

A Dentist looking problematic while sitting on his Dental Chair

ACCIDENTAL JOHN

John Smith goes to the dentist. Or does he?

COMEDY | MALE

ANTICIPATION

The anticipation of your Hibiki Harmony 30th anniversary limited edition whiskey might be better than the drink itself.

COMEDY/DRAMA | FEMALE

A middle aged Blonde woman cleaning her clothe with a pet hair removal roller

AS GOOD AS A HOLIDAY

It’s not OCD, I just like things in a specific way and deviations are like an itch inside my brain which gets worse and worse.

COMEDY/DRAMA | MALE/FEMALE

BABY FEET

Small feet, small… you know. That's what they keep saying to him, anyway.

COMEDY | MALE

BIG SCORE

How guilty would you feel if you sold 450 identical pairs of shoes to a suicide cult?

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

BILLY DOESN'T LIKE YOU

Breaking up your child's friendship because you really can't stand the kid's mother.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

BRIDEZILLA

A bride plans her perfect day. Everything is coming along, though one important thing is still missing.

COMEDY | FEMALE

Busy people inside a cafe while it is raining outside

CAFE FENG SHUI

When a guy starts coming to the café you love with his stupid leather jacket and his stupid thermos.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

CANCEROUS BREAKUP

Are you a monster if you broke up with your girlfriend because she got cancer? Yes, yes you are.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

CHOICE PARALYSIS

Every choice you make leaves an infinite number of unmade choices dying in the dust.

COMEDY/DRAMA | MALE/FEMALE

CLICK TO KILL

When your homophobic high school friend clicks his fingers and gets hit by a bus…

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

A monobloc chair in the middle of the road

COURTESY SEAT

A pregnant lady, elderly person, disabled person and injured person all fight for the courtesy seat.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

CUT

Nothing's worse than when your scene ends up on the cutting room floor. Especially when you did… you know…

COMEDY | FEMALE

A kidnapped woman with a black cloth covered in her face

DECOY WIFE

If you're going to kidnap and ransom out the boss's wife, you'd better make sure she's the right person.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

An old guy looking in pain while jogging in the beack

DODGED THE BULLET

Would you fake a heart attack to cover a fart?

COMEDY | MALE

DON'T PAT MY DOG

Johnny gets jealous when his dog shows affection to a friend.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

DONUT TESTER

After failing a job interview, a fake donut tester gets serious about the artform.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

A depressed woman watching her friend getting kicked out of the house

ENDZONED

Being friendzoned sucks. But being endzoned - that's something else indeed.

COMEDY/DRAMA | MALE/FEMALE

A woman standing infront of a tunnel of lights

EVERYONE OWNS A TELEPORTER IN THE FUTURE

You arrive in present times from the future but your teleporter has run out of battery. Would anyone believe you?

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

A man that looks problematic while talking in a phone booth

EVERYTHING I EVER DID WAS FOR YOU

Your mum calls you and says "everything I ever did was for you", "I love you" and "goodbye". What's about to happen?

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

A woman that looks shocked while covering her mouth

EX SEX DOLL

Imagine coming home to find your husband having sex with a blow up doll with his ex's face taped to it.

COMEDY | FEMALE

Close up of eyes with the expression of fear

EXPOSURE THERAPY

If you face your fears a little bit at a time, you'll get used to them… until your fears start moving in front of you.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

FOR THE EXERCISE

The best and worst things about being a prostitute.

COMEDY/DRAMA | FEMALE

A man being bullied by three persons in a party

FORCED FAILS

Have you noticed how people always laugh when they hurt themselves in fail videos? Is this a new way to spread joy?

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

A box of Froot Loops cereals being poured in a bowl

FUCK BITES

Kellogg's cornflakes were designed to suppress your sexual appetite. Where's the cereal that increases it?

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

Two guys staring with each other looking inlove

GAY BY ELIMINATION

Just because you're dating another man, doesn't mean you're gay.

COMEDY | MALE

A bearded guy wearing a glasses with codes reflecting in his face

GENIUS

Am I a genius? I'd sound like a wanker if I said "yes", wouldn't I?

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

A silhouette of soldiers carrying their arms and packs to the battle field

GETTING OUT OF THE WAR

You hate the invaders, but you're a coward. Can acting crazy get you out of the war you don't want to die in?

COMEDY/DRAMA | MALE/FEMALE

GUILTY, NOT GUILTY

Too guilty to sell that fancy watch you found for a profit? Maybe the next guy won't have the same reservations.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

HANGRY

Happiness makes you angry. Anger makes you sad. Sadness gives you perspective - you have a lot to be happy about.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

HEALTHY HABITS

A health freak with a dirty habit.

COMEDY/DRAMA | MALE/FEMALE

A short haired kid with a dirt in her hands

HIT MY KID

A neighbourhood kid kills a man's dog and comes around with his dad to admit his wrongdoing. Violence ensues.

COMEDY/DRAMA | MALE

A couple and a server taking their orders

HOW WAS YOUR MEAL?

A very honest response to a waiter asking "How was your meal?" Maybe a little too honest.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

A man with a mullet hairstyle facing the camera fiercely

I CAME HOME AND DISCOVERED MY BOYFRIEND HAS A MULLET

Would you do it? If you came home and your boyfriend had a mullet? Would YOU do it too?

COMEDY/DRAMA | MALE/FEMALE

A husband touching her wife's pregnant belly

I F**CKED HER BECAUSE I LOVE HER

Chad's imagination isn't all that great. What can he do to feel a bit more appreciation for his wife?

COMEDY | MALE

A laptop, mouse, cellphone and a book tied and locked up together with a chain

I LOST THE PASSKEY TO OUR MUM'S BRAIN

Your mum's brain is stored on a passkey-protected hard drive, but the cleaner just threw out the passkey.

COMEDY/DRAMA | MALE/FEMALE

IMPORTANT DECISIONS

A last meal. And it's ice cream. And it's for a dog.

COMEDY/DRAMA | MALE/FEMALE

A man sitting holding his baton and Panama hat

IMPULSIVE PROBLEMS

When you impulsively kill your boss and dispose of most of his body, someone has to clean up the mess.

COMEDY/DRAMA | MALE/FEMALE

A dramatic shot of Mcdonalds McCafe store

INBRED REVENGE

Damien tries to blow up a McDonald's by hitting the stove with a baseball bat.

COMEDY| MALE/FEMALE

Two couples hugging each other while both are looking at their phones at the same time

IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S MY EX

When your accent reminds your date of her ex cheating on her

COMEDY | FEMALE

KEYBOARD WARRIOR

Making the world a better place, one dickhead at a time.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

KIDNAPPER'S CONUNDRUM

When you kill a murderer, what do you do with the witness?

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

A woman holding her foot and acting like it was a phone

LIZARD HUMOUR

Maybe you're not quite as witty as you thought you were.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

A woman loading the laundry machine with half of her body inside it

LOVE IN THE LAUNDROMAT

Is it easier to go talk to someone or just buy the laundromat you saw them in and wait for them to come back?

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

A newly wed couple staring in love with each other with full of lights in the background

LOVING MANDY

You love Mandy. When's a good time to tell Mandy this? Why, Mandy's wedding, of course!

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

A guy pointing out a graph data in a paper

MAN VS PORN

Mark's monkey brain VS technology that gets twice as good every two years. Can he fix his broken spreadsheet?

COMEDY/DRAMA | MALE

A detective sitting in a chair holding a magnifying glass while smoking a tobacco

MY DAD GOT
HIRED BY THE CIA

Why would the CIA hire the most technologically inept human being on the planet?

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

MY SPOT

What do you do when someone's in your spot at the gym?

COMEDY | MALE

A stack of vegetables in the grocery store

NOT A HEAD OF A LETTUCE

Tokyo finds a human head in a delivery of fresh vegetables. Will customer service help?

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

OKAY COP, BETTER COP

An okay cop does the job. A good cop puts every single crim behind bars.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

A group of protests covering a part of the streets

PRO PROTEST

An accidental protestor finds an addictive new pursuit.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

PROCRASTINATION

Trying to write, succeeding in procrastination. Could it be they don't want to write the content?

COMEDY/DRAMA | MALE/FEMALE

A man in an edge of a bridge preparing top jump

PUTTING IT OFF

A man is about to commit suicide when he sees the new season of Game of Thrones has just dropped.

COMEDY | MALE

Two skulls biting a cigarette with ashes, lighter and a coin beside it

RANGER DANGER

A park ranger is fighting a man who's scattering his brother's ashes. Is it an injustice or a case of "live and let live"?

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

Two guy fighting fiercely fighting each other

REACTION

A man accidentally kills someone in the street and threatens a witness.

COMEDY | MALE

A bride and her four friends staring at each other

REALLY JILTED

Julie never thought she'd get invited to this wedding. What other occasion could repair burnt bridges?

COMEDY | FEMALE

ROBOPLUMBER

If you build a robot plumber that's the exact same model as the robot gigolo, customers will definitely get their pipes fixed.

COMEDY | FEMALE

RUNNER'S HIGH

Runner’s high makes exercise easy. Effortless. Energising! Not everyone gets it though.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

RUSH HOUR IN EMERGENCY

Young Benny is in emergency suffering from a spinach allergy. But the nurses are distracted by an angry drunk.

COMEDY/DRAMA | MALE/FEMALE

A man in a black hoodie typing at his keyboard

RUSSIA #1 HACKER

Russia #1 hacker protect you from bad government.

COMEDY | MALE

A silhouette of a guy in stage with fogs all over the place

SCHRODINGER'S MORON

Schrödinger's Moron: the moron you're looking at is always bigger than the other morons.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

SECRET GRANDMASTER

You played Tetris so much you accidentally become best in the world. Don't let anyone see you though!

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

SHAMPOO

The world is so much better when you have killer hair.

COMEDY/DRAMA | MALE

SMELLOLOGIST

What's a weirder career than making beer out of vaginal bacteria? A sex doll smellologist.

COMEDY | MALE

A hen laying eggs, one brown and one white

STOPPED LAYING

Chickens sometimes come up with unique calls they use around their owners. Stanley is given a name.

COMEDY/DRAMA | FEMALE

A man holding a rooster while smoking a cigarette

STUPID ROOSTERS

Roosters which haven't quite got it right.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

A black and white image of a guy playing the drums

TAPPING OUT

A drummer playing at 10PM. Is tonight the night you'll slip a strongly-worded letter under his door?

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

A man in a horizon pointing out a flashlight to the sky

THE GOLDEN RECORD

A teenage alient discovers the record Earth sent into space… and it's totally lame.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

A woman trying to xerox a piece of paper

THE LONG EDGE

But what exactly IS the "best paper to stock tray three of the level 8 printer"?

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

THE REAL LOSER OF THE CUSTODY BATTLE IS ALWAYS THE CHILD

You can divide the furniture in a divorce, but can you divide the child? Turns out, maybe you can.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

A woman standing infront of a wall with codes reflected to her face

THIS LOVE EXISTS

Could you help me find somone who looks like the AI-generated woman I fell in love with?

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

A hand wearing a yellow glove doing a symbol of a dog

THWARTED

A robber is almost thwarted by a little girl when she points her finger at him and says, "Bang bang you're dead."

COMEDY/DRAMA | MALE

TRASHED APARTMENT

Saving the world one tweet at a time.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

TWINS

When your mates ask you if you'd "do twins" in front of your girlfriend, what are you supposed to say?

COMEDY | MALE

A man under the blanket holding a cup of starbucks coffee

UPSELLING

When there's not enough cash in the till at Starbucks, a robber teaches the barista sales skills.

COMEDY/DRAMA | MALE/FEMALE

URINAL FLY

You know those plastic flies in urinals? The ones you pee on so you don't miss? What if it was a real fly?

COMEDY | MALE

Two couples sitting on a couch talking about their problems

WORK OUT

An enthusiastic exercise instructor with a group who can't quite follow.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE

A woman infront of a laptop doing zoom meeting

ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM

Two and a half hours in to that neverending Zoom meeting and you really need to pee. I mean really.

COMEDY | MALE/FEMALE