Cast
A young man or woman.

Scene
I wake up to the crackling of the intercom. The pilot says we’re about to land in Sydney Australia where the local temperature is thirty-two degrees. Can you believe it? I’m in Australia! And I know he means thirty-two degrees Celsius, not Fahrenheit; they have some weird way of measuring things here. As we land I see half the Americans putting on their heavy coats. Ha ha.

The guy at customs says, “G’day”. They actually say this! Then he says, “How ya goin’?” Classic!

They’re so friendly here. I go to the train station and try to get my bearings. “Excuse me sir,” I say to a man in a suit. “Which way to the city?” He calls me “mate” a lot and even walks me to the platform I need. I really like this place!

I find my way to the YHA – Youth Hostel Australia – and settle in to my dorm. I don’t mean to sleep at all but I sit down and two hours later I wake up when some crazy German girls burst in, giggling and touching each other’s arms a lot. I half expect them to take their tops off, being Europeans. Sweet Jesus, they do take their tops off! I’m so embarrassed but one of them starts talking to me. “Hallo. My name is Heidi und this is Helga. What is your name?”

Heidi und Helga turn out to be wild adventurers and we agree to go to the Great Barrier Reef on Tuesday. I don’t realise at the time the Great Barrier Reef is more than a thousand miles away. This is really awkward as I don’t want to go that far but I hate breaking promises.

I go to the Opera House and take about a hundred photos. Did you know the Opera House and the Sydney Harbour Bridge are right next to each other? I always thought that was Photoshop. I back into someone by accident trying to line up a selfie and she cusses and calls me a horrible name. “I’m so sorry, Ma’am. I didn’t mean to. Please beg my pardon.”

I walk the length of the Harbour Bridge. That was one of my two goals here. Walk the Harbour Bridge, and face the dangers of Australia. Did you know the most poisonous snakes in the world are mostly in Australia? They have deadly spiders too, and sharks and crocodiles which kill people every day, and most of the country is an empty desert where the sun will fry you to a crisp. I’m brave just for being here on Danger Island!

I make more friends at the hostel and meet some young Aussie guys from Adelaide. These guys are really crazy. “Whaddya wanna do mate?” “Let’s go canyoning.” “Let’s go skydiving.” “Nah, let’s go for a bush bash.” A bush bash is where you go for a bushwalk where there’s no trail so you have to bash your way through. They somehow just know from looking at me that I want to go on an adventure so they drag me along.

Deano, Robbo and Shorty buy a beaten up old ute and we drive south for half a day to get to this particular bushwalk they’re excited about. I have to admit I’m a little terrified of these gentlemen. They are very friendly and outgoing – far more outgoing than I’ll ever be – but they also seem to completely disregard every safety precaution known to man. They have no maps, no phone, no supplies, and they don’t tell anyone where they are. No one can ever call me “soft” again after this adventure!

We go to a place called the Castle, which Shorty describes as “a tough stroll”. I quickly realise that “tough” in Australian means “intense torture” in English. The gents are striding along and I’m puffing and panting and tripping over the millions of tree roots and loose rocks that make up what’s allegedly the “trail”.

Deano and Robbo see I’m struggling and hang back. “It’s real cool of you to have a crack at something like this,” Robbo says. I ask him what he means. “You’re clearly not doing this kind of thing on a regular basis. No offense but it looks like this is the first time you’ve gone more than three K’s in a day.”

I tell him I don’t know what a “K” is but I’m positive he’s right...

END OF EXCERPT