Cast
Boss: an internet scam boss.

Scene
Boss is writing/typing.

“…to collect your five million dollar prize…” No. “Fifteen million dollar prize” – far more convincing – “please reply to this email and supply your bank details within twenty-four hours. Yours sincerely, Google.” No. “Google International Headquarters.” Way classier.

Ah, Muhumbo isn’t it? How’s my brother from the udder of another mother’s love rudder? How’s the work coming along? Super – let me take a squiz.

Boss takes and reads from a laptop (mimed), mouthing along. He nods approvingly, frowns, laughs, then becomes stonily sincere.

Okay Muhumbo, few things. You’ve never met this person before, right, yet you refer to him with “Hello firstname.” Little too familiar, buddy. Why don’t you try “Dear respected Sir” instead? He’ll open your email and straight away get a little confidence boost. Then you go on to say, “Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Mularm… Muharn…” [frowns in concentration] etcetera, but you don’t acknowledge the shock he would obviously be feeling while reading this. Okay? Type this: “Dear respected Sir. You must be surprised to hear from me today.” That’s better, isn’t it? See the emotional rollercoaster you’ve put that guy on? He’s going to be ready for anything.

Boss turns as someone approaches him.

Ah, Tatiana. There’s my little lovebird. Found the man of your dreams yet? That handsome, rich man?

Alright, let’s see it. Hmm, yep. Yep. I see. That looks about right. Good. Ooh, that’s not bad.

Okay Tatiana, this whole thing is terrible. Do you want this man to fall in love with you and give you all his money? Then you need to ditch this whole subtlety thing. “I found your profile online and we have a lot in common.” A lot in common? I have a lot in common with my dog, Tatiana. We both pee on trees and hump anything that doesn’t get away in time but I don’t want to pay fifty K to fly him out of Russia. You should say “…I found your profile and have fallen deeply and irreversibly in love with you.” Imagine the pure exhilaration he’ll feel knowing an Eastern European beauty is in love with his bland ass.

On paragraph two you say, “I am just average girl looking for the man of dreams.” Love the syntax Tati but no one wants an average girl. Rich, confident men have pride: they know what they want and that is not humbleness. Change it to, “I am beautiful Russian girl with D-cup and limited inhibitions.”

Boss turns suddenly.

Ah, David. How’s your appeal going? Good good. Give us a gander.

Boss starts reading, muttering phrases like “tiny penis”, “woeful sex life”, “pathetic excuse for a male specimen.” Excited, he hustles everyone in.

Alright people, come on in. Have a listen to David’s email. “Do you suffer from a chronic limp dick? Do women laugh at you when your pants are down? Don’t be an impotent loser any longer. Get your hands on Cialis and have her moaning for more all night. Buy in bulk – you need it.”

That’s poetry, David. Fucking Shakespeare. Can you imagine how ashamed any man reading that would feel? The first thing I’d do is go straight out and buy a crate of that shit...

END OF EXCERPT