Cast
Harold: a dull, middle-aged man attending a speed dating event.
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Scene
So, uh, I suppose that’s why office supplies was a natural next step for me. I mean, what would all you ladies think if I was still just the guy managing a small team of programmers for a medium-sized programming firm, am I right? Bet you’d prefer the wholesale price on thirteen GSM ultra-tough tri-colour recycled paper stock, perfect for scrapbooking, am I right? I knew you’d like that.

Ooh, the bell’s ringing. I know you can get my details from the MC but here’s my card. It’s printed on thirteen GSM ultra-tough tri-colour recycled paper stock.

Hey there beautiful. My name’s Harold. Harold Borgenstein. Sounds Jewish but it ain’t. My warrior’s still got his helmet on if you know what I’m saying. Now tell me absolutely everything about yourself and don’t leave out any details.

Harold nods as he listens, clearly uninterested but pretending to be. He twitches. Keeps listening. Twitches again. He convulses bodily and reawakens as a different person.

(as Heracles) Heracles! I did it. I am controlling a mortal body again. Pantheon, all you must do is say your name and the body will fall under your command.

(to speed dating partner) Pardon fair maiden, is this Gaia? The place of the living?

Harold convulses again and stops, blinking, disoriented.

(as Harold) Jesus, did I… blank out? Yikes. (remembering where he is) Sorry, you were telling me all about your job as a PA. (pause) Criminal defense lawyer, right. (indignant) Why don’t you want to talk to me anymore? Look, I have no idea what I said to offend you but I am sincerely, truly, extremely sorry. Did I have a dig at your lazy eye? Oh don’t look so surprised – it’s hardly a secret. Or did I tell you you looked fat? Because empire line makes anyone look like a tree trunk and I’m sure you have a reasonable body under there.

Harold recoils after being slapped, then convulses again, slightly less wildly than the time before. Becomes magnanimous.

(as Zeus) Zeus! Heracles, you are right. I have taken over the mortal. Watch me leap to my feet! (leaps up) Swing my arms like I’m slaying an evil succubus. (swings arm) Pump my legs as I charge into battle.

Harold runs on the spot. Stops. Pants and tries to catch breath.

By the many wenches I’ve laid to bed and made children with, this man is in terrible shape. Heracles, was he this bad for you?

(as Heracles) Heracles. I did not try, Father Zeus. Let me give it a crack.

Harold/Heracles swings his arms around. He winces when his shoulder’s in a particular position.

Youch. You are right. This arm is shoddier than those greaves Hephaestus made last century. Look, it just does not go past this point here.

(as Hephaestus) Hephaestus. Uh, shut up Heracles. Uh, when was the last time you made anything? All you can do is, uh, lift things in the air like a baboon.

Harold convulses slightly and returns to being himself. After a moment of confusion, he sees his next speed dating partner.

Sorry, who are you? (pause) Janet. I… I think I’ve been blanking out. (pause) Oh no, I’m totally fine. It’s that sleeping problem I get occasionally: narcissism. But forget about me – tell me how a gorgeous woman like yourself came to be at a speed dating thing instead of going to world premieres with her movie-star husband.

Harold leans forwards and smiles seductively. He twitches, then convulses fully. Athena, Goddess of Wisdom, has control of him now...

END OF EXCERPT