Cast
Princess Peach: the benign ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom. Wears a billowing pink dress and has long blonde hair. She addresses a gathering of her subjects from her podium.

Scene
Good afternoon dear subjects of the Mushroom Kingdom. Ooh, what a wonderful sunny day it is. Hello there, Mister Sun. Ooh, you look a bit grumpy Mister Sun. Is it because Miss Moon is waning and you won’t get to shine on her face for another week? Tee he.

Let us all just be happy that there isn’t a cloud in the sky on this glorious day. Except for that one there, with the balding turtle throwing what looks like biological waste out all over the kingdom. Someone’s going to call the EPA on you, Mister Turtle!

Now, I am delighted…

Why, hello there Captain Toad. You look a little anxious. (pause) You need to speak with me. I’m just in the middle of this little speech so I’ll be with you in one minute. (pause) It’s rather pressing, you say? Well I won’t be long; I’m sure you don’t want the entire Kingdom waiting while we shoot the breeze, Captain Toad. (pause) You’re Yellow Toad, not Captain Toad? I’m so sorry (but you are all slightly identical).

Now, I am delighted to announce that we will be hosting a party for the whole of Toad Town at Mushroom Castle, this very evening. Everyone is invited. Yay! Everyone except Bowser, of course. Tee he. We will begin preparations immediately. Please tell your friends and neighbours about the party and please bring nothing more than your appetite and your good spirits.

Princess Peach waves at the gathered crowd, then leaves the podium and drops the façade.

Leave luck to heaven, I wish they’d bring me some actual good spirits; I could use a fucking drink after that. Don’t know what I ever did to be put in charge of the fucking fungus province.

Looks down at her dress like someone’s pulling on it.

Yellow Toad, what did you want? (pause) Really? You were going to interrupt me during a public address to tell me your pay is late? You are an abject coward, yet you had the guts to stand up to the princess in front of the entire population to complain about industrial matters. Alright, Mister Toadstool, how about this: you go and fix me some afternoon tea and I’ll get out the chequebook. (pause) Pardon, my little darling? What would I like for my afternoon tea. How about: a cheese and mushroom pizza, spinach and mushroom crepes, chicken and mushroom lasagne, mushroom omelette, or, my favourite – stuffed mushrooms.

That’s right, you little twerp. Run away!

Ah, Daisy, my favourite illegitimate monarch. Haven’t returned to Sarasaland yet, the only place in the known universe that’s more depressing than the bloody Mushroom Kingdom? What do you want? (pause) Of course you’re upset with me. All you ever do is swan around showing off your dress and developing grudges. What the hell did I do to put a bee in your stupid bonnet this time? (pause) Luigi? Why would I sleep with Luigi? Gawky bastard is hardly the kind of guy a real princess would go for…

Princess Peach leans in to look at Daisy’s phone.

Oh my, where’d you get that? (pause) Redtube dot com?! That double-crossing bastard. He said it wasn’t recording. I’m going to cut off his balls for this!

END OF EXCERPT