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I watched a boy drown.

They say you don’t know how you’ll act in an emergency until it happens: some people will run into the burning building, others will run to safety. What’s interesting is that those who have the heroic tendency always say the same thing when interviewed. Someone asks, “What made you risk your life doing that insanely dangerous thing?” and they will say, “I don’t know. I just did it.” What you do in an extreme situation isn’t something you think about. It’s actually just a reflex.

I saw a boy slip into a river and I learned that my reflex is kinda different to the hero or the coward. I was out for a walk and he was a little way ahead of me, exploring the forest or whatever. All of a sudden he just fell in.

I immediately froze. Watched as he splashed uselessly. Listened to his cries go from full-throated to burbly and wet. Looked right into his eyes as he saw me.

Those eyes. That face, twisted with panic and terror. Desperate and pleading. His little eyes screaming, “Help! Help!”

As I watched him slide down into the water and drown, I felt this electric surge run through my body. Power isn’t quite the right word. I think I’d describe it as force. I was the difference between this boy’s life and death; nobody had ever needed me so much in all my life. When his body bobbed back to the surface and started drifting downriver, I noticed that my pants were as wet as his corpse.

I hurried away from the scene. I’m smart enough to know how suspicious me being there looks. For a couple of days I was freaked out that I’d get in trouble but… nothing ever happened. No one ever knew I was there.

But even though I didn’t get caught, it wasn’t the end of the ordeal. I dreamt about the boy – his silent, screaming eyes – and woke up sodden. I went down to the bar next door and picked up. Had an insane orgasm fucking… whoever.

I couldn’t get this thing out of my head. I needed it to happen again, so I bought a pass to the local pool and watched from a towel every day, hoping – I dunno – someone would fall in or something? It didn’t happen of course, with so many people and lifeguards around, but at least I got hella fit swimming.

I learned how to go on the dark web and bought a police scanner. This was a game changer. Whenever there was a horrible accident or violence in my area, I was always there a few minutes after the police. I’d watch from the shadows, or walk past and stare, or I’d walk past and film while pretending to be on a call. After an awkward encounter where I bumped right into a guy while doing a walk by, I started wearing bulky pants to hide my “reaction”. He was so shocked I almost came again from the look on his face.

But… this wasn’t quite like the boy. The whole thing just wasn’t working and I knew it was because the situations never involved me. The car crash and stabbing victims always had other people to interact with, people whose job was to save their lives. I was always off to the side, hidden from the action. They were never watching me back.

So I tried hunting down the black spots. Dangerous stretches of roads, slippery cliffs in tourist areas, places where extreme sportists went to dance with death. I’d be the only one around when something happened. I would be centre stage again – just me and them.

But nothing ever happened. Turns out you’d have to wait for months in most spots for anything to happen. I went to one notorious stretch of road every day for five weeks but the worst I saw was a dented bonnet.

Then, purely by accident, it all came together. I found a place while walking in the forest and I knew the odds were about to be stacked in my favour. This was what I’d been looking for...

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