Cast
A 14 year old boy. He is energetic and fast-paced.​​​​​​​

Scene
It’s hot and dark. I’m squashed in, barely able to move, my own breath the only thing I breathe in. I’m waiting. Waiting. And I leap!

I land on the lion as he races past, grabbing two fistfuls of his orange fur and squeezing my thighs into his side. He roars and I give him a hearty pat on the flanks.

We hurtle through the jungle until I grab a low-hanging vine, then I swing way up into the air and land in a tree. Adjust my loincloth as I wait. Oh, here they come – five four three-two-one BAM! I leap on the men and pull them both to the ground. “Take that, evil lion poachers.” (as lion poacher) “Noooo!” (as boy) “Yeees!”

I tussle them up and take them both back to the sheriff. “Well done, Captain Everything. But we have a bigger problem than lion poachers. The princess has been kidnapped.”

“Princess Prettyface?”

“Yes, Captain. Princess Prettyface.”

“Do you know who got her?”

“The Bad Man.”

I scowl. The Bad Man is… bad. Really bad. “Don’t worry, Sheriff. I’ll rescue her.”

So I change into my flying cape and climb the Big Tree of the Jungle. I get to the very top and jump. I fall for like ten minutes until I have enough speed to zoom up into the sky. “Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, fool. It’s Captain Everything!” I fly for a few minutes until I catch up to a pterodactyl. “Hey man,” I say as I get into his slipstream. “Long time no see.”

He says, “AARK!” (laughs as if at a hilarious joke) That guy.

We fly past Mexico real quick and I land on a horse in Nevada. I buckle my boots on and sling a pistol over my shoulder as I ride into town. The Sheriff there is a drunk – naturally – and he’s sleeping in the saloon while robbers run out of the bank across the road. They have big white bags with a dollar sign on them. “Where y’all going?” I ask in mah best twang. “Don’t you boys know robbing a bank is a felony in these parts, and we hang felons ’round here!”

One of the men whips out his pistol like lightning fast and shoots at me. I unholster my own weapon and shoot them bullet right out of the air. The next bullet hits him in the buttocks (snorts/giggles) and the next hits the sign above the saloon and it swings down and smashes his partner in crime in the head. I go up to the one with the buttocks bullet and say, “Y’all messed with the wrong man. Now tell me before I kill ya like the dog you are: where’s Princess Prettyface?”

“I’ll never tell you!”

I punch him in the face.

“I’ll tell you everything! The Joker took her.”

“The Joker, eh?” I punch him three more times in the face for good luck and ride Catherine – that’s my horse – down to the garage where I parked the Batmobile. Twenty minutes later I’m in Gotham City making enquiries with the Chief of Police. He’s all grumpy and serious. “Captain Everything, I only trust Batman with this kind of information. What if you’re in cahoots with the Joker?”

I narrow my eyes. Something’s not right here. The Chief of Police is slowly moving his hand towards his gun so I quickly rip off his face and he’s the Riddler. “No!” he screams. “How did you know it was I, the Riddler?”

“Oh come on. You’ve been trying to make an appearance ever since they didn’t put you in the remake”...

END OF EXCERPT