Cast
Ro-Wanda: a young woman who wants to be an internet star.

Scene
Ro-Wanda sits centre stage and leans forwards to press ‘record’ on her laptop. She steels herself, then sings 15 seconds of a modern pop song. She is out of tune and woefully bad but there’s something endearing about her self-belief. She stops singing and presses the stop button on her laptop.

Alright. Nailed it. That was good. Ooh, it’s Shayla.

Puts headphones on and talks to her friend.

Baby girl! How you? (pause) Yeah, swell. I just posted it on my account. This one is definitely going all the way. (pause) You can record it straight to YouTube, sister. Don’t you know nothing? Go onto my account and check out the new upload. (slightly longer pause) Yeah, that’s the one. (pause) Hon, I know it’s awful, that’s the whole point. Keep watching. (pause) Worst thing you’ve ever seen? Babe, thank you so much. That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me. If this doesn’t go wild I have literally no idea how to be an internet celebrity. (pause) Are you kidding? Babe, all publicity is good publicity. Anyways, I gotta roll. Need to post a response to my Tony Abbott is Hot  video – it’s getting flamed like Joan of Arc on the cross and I have to publish something while it’s still getting views. Byeles!

Takes her headphones off and starts recording a new video with a very sombre look on her face.

Hey internets. It’s Roanna Wanda here: Ro-Wanda. Y’all saw my Tony Abbott is Hot video.

I just wanted to say, you guys need to tone down the hate speak, okay? First of all, you people like Morpheus 0110 and Aussie Politics Guy, you aren’t even hating on the right thing. I don’t care about politics. All I was saying was how hot Tony is. Okay? You can spread your hate about him in someone else’s comments section because this is all about looks.

Ro-Wanda gets progressively more upset throughout the following passage to the point of tears and total hysteria.

But you haters who talk about him being ugly, you are so mean. He’s not ugly. Some of us girls find confidence and personality really sexy. How many like fifty-year-olds do you know who would happily go on camera in Speedos, huh? Have any of you even seen how he talks? He’s so full of self-confidence. What if he reads these comments and gets upset by them? Did you ever think about that, Stuart The Third? He has feelings just like you do, you… you stupid person! How do you like it when I call you that, huh?! I bet you’re just jealous because you’re not attractive, right? Am I right? You’re probably like really unfit. I’m right, aren’t I? How can you insult an athlete on his looks when you’re fat and lazy and stupid? I hate you Stuart The Third! You’re a stupid idiot! You’re a total stupid moron idiot jerkface! I HATE YOU!

Ro-Wanda presses the stop button on her video and immediately calms down.

Awesome. That’s going to be as big as Leave Britney Alone.

Ro-Wanda takes out her phone. She rolls her eyes and speaks into it.

Hey mum. Sorry I missed your call. What’s up? (pause) Who? (pause) I don’t know who that is. Was she calling from somewhere? (pause) Are you serious? Oh my god, that’s amazeballs. What’s her number? (pause – types the number into her laptop) Thanks mum, I’ll call her in a minute. How’s things anyway? (very short pause) Oh, sorry mum, Trev’s Skyping me. Gotta go. Byles!...

END OF EXCERPT