Cast
The harried parent of a young boy.

Scene
The sound of my alarm not going off wakes me up. Uh oh. Every day my alarm and I have a competition to wake up first and I’ve never once won so that can only mean it’s broken. I check my phone and see it’s ten past eight. “Oh no no no no no!!”

Jo stirs next to me and I freeze. It’s one thing to be late for an important client, another thing entirely to wake up my murderous spouse before ten AM. After I wait for Jo’s breathing to even out again I slide carefully out of bed and tread on eggshells all the way down to the bottom level. I hate having to do this in my own house. I wish Jo would stop throwing eggs at me, or at least clean them up.

Edgard is sitting with perfect straight-backed posture at the breakfast table. “Why aren’t we at school, Least Favourite Parent? I’m going to be late for geography and if I get another detention Jo will kill me.”

It’s not Edgard’s fault. Jo makes my son call me Least Favourite Parent. Jo also named Edgard Edgard so we both get to feel insulted. “Son, I’m going to be late to an important meeting so we’re going to have to skip school today. You can play Pokémon in the car and I’ll take you home at three o’clock.”

Edgard goes white, “My goodness, that won’t do. The Only Parent I Truly Love does spot checks on the school throughout the year. If I’m caught, I may be singing soprano in the choir for the rest of my days if you know what I mean.”

I do know what my son means but I’m disturbed he understands the threat of castration at seven. I don’t have time to worry about it so I order an Uber while I throw on my work clothes.

I put my young son in the front seat of a nice toothless man’s car. The poor thing must be terribly cold because he can’t stop rubbing his hands together. I jump into my own car, start the engine, drive to work, arrive just on time for my meeting, win the heart of the rich client, get a raise, come home to my happy family and live like royalty until I die at the ripe old age of a hundred and twelve.

At least, I might have done all that if Jo hadn’t parked my car in. I have an epic fit of swearing. If I so much as breathe near Jo’s car and fog up the panelling I’ll be dead before I reach the end of the driveway.

I order another Uber but it doesn’t arrive. I’m almost desperate enough to call a taxi. Instead, I have no choice but to borrow my neighbour’s bicycle.

My neighbour makes Jo look like a pussy cat. Every time I look at her house she’s staring at me through the window. She spends a lot of her time in the garage, grinding a range of objects into smears on the ground. We used to have a lot of neighbourhood cats before she moved in but now the only animals we see are flying well out of human range. Katelyn turns six next month.

I make the sign of the cross and enter Katelyn’s garage. She’s not there. I take her bike, cycle madly to work, impress that client and get that raise, go home, get divorced and marry someone who isn’t a psychopath.

Except that I get sideswiped by a bus halfway to work and end up with two cracked ribs and a slightly crushed foot. Even worse, my pants get torn right down one side and I’ll have to replace them before the meeting. Silver lining? Katelyn’s bike is okay.

I arrive two minutes after the meeting starts and limp to my place at the table. The board of directors, senior executive and personal assistants all glare hatefully at me. The client is a slender woman of around forty years, dressed in a power suit with eyes slightly too big for her head.

The meeting involves a whole lot of jargon that I get paid way too little to understand. They only have me at these things for my mathematical prowess; if anyone needs numbers crunched, I’m all like “BAM, forty-two thousand three hundred and six point three repeater.” They love me for my mathematics.

“I’ll engage your company for the full procurement scope if you sack that idiot who came in late with torn clothing.”

The client is pointing at me. What?! “Smith, you’re fired,” says the CEO. WHAT?!...

END OF EXCERPT