Cast
Dan: an awkward thirty-something year old with an imaginary friend. Plays various characters throughout the story and mimes various actions.

Scene
Dan is fussing about in the bedroom, tying his shoelaces and doing up his fast food chain uniform. He hisses to his imaginary friend.

Come on, Yancey, where’d you put my keys? I have to go to work. If you don’t tell me, I’m going to get mum. (pause) Fine, that’s it.

(calling) Mum, Yancey hid my keys and I don’t know where. (pause) Thanks. I’ll come get them.

Goddamn it, you idiot. Can’t you just leave my stuff alone?

Dan starts talking to him/herself while heading to the kitchen.

So sick of this douchebag. I wish he would just go to Hell. Or worse: France.

(to mother) Mum, I don’t want Yancey to come with me today. He’s always making trouble and my job is hard enough as it is. Tell him he has to stay home and clean the skirting boards like he’s promised to do for six months.

(as mother) I can’t stop Yancey from doing what he wants to do, darling. I am a libertarian; I don’t believe in imposing my will on the freedoms of others.

(as Dan) Great. Thanks for nothing, mum. I’m going to work now, which I wouldn’t have to do if you had a tougher attitude and became manager.

Dan heads off to catch a bus.

Why is everyone so nasty? You wonder why people think I’m antisocial – even my own mother won’t stick up for me.

Beat.

I can hear you following me, Yancey. Can’t you just not? I’m on probation because of what you did last week – can’t you give me a break for just one day? I swear Jason is going to do something horrible to me when Mr Applegate isn’t looking because of you.

(to a passerby) Who the hell are you talking to, you dickhead?! Why don’t you just shut up and go away?

Idiot. I tell you Yancey, the people around here are such morons.

Stepping onto a bus that’s just pulled up.

Two tickets to the city. (pause) I’m paying for him. (points at Yancey) Well I’d rather he pay for himself but he never has any money so I’m the one shouldering the burden.

Dan apologises to a few people while squeezing past them to sit at the back of the bus.

There we are. Best seat in the house. You know it’s the safest place to be, up the back? You’re twenty-three times more likely to survive a bus accident if you’re sitting up the back.

(to a passenger) Sorry? No, sorry, Yancey’s sitting here. No! You can’t sit there. Don’t sit on him! Hey – what are you doing?

Dan has a tussle with a passenger then climbs up, frazzled.

(as Yancey) Screw you! You know what? Have the seat, you douchebag bully. We don’t want to sit with you anyway. Enjoy sitting by yourself, idiot brains.

Dan turns to the driver and returns to being Dan.

Stop my yelling? It’s okay to let me and Yancey get bullied but it’s not okay to stand up for myself? You’re a fascist. “Welcome to the bus, passengers. Next stop, 1942 Germany.”

Dan lurches forwards.

Oh really? You’re going to kick us off now? Fine, we’ll walk.

Dan leaves the bus and gloomily starts walking...

END OF EXCERPT